SAINT VALENTINE VS SAINT NICHOLAS

Epic Rap Battle Parodies

 

Foreword:

For this battle of two men and their corresponding mascots, it is to be assumed that anything said by either team is in regards to anyone on either team. For example, even though Santa Claus has not appeared on screen yet, Cupid still makes remarks that are clearly directed towards Santa Claus. This was done to ensure the best disses and references, not limiting them to only who has appeared on screen up to that point.

 

Saint Valentine:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hark, with all my heart I'll spark an offer you can't barter
this guarded carcass from Bari can’t go harder than a Martyr

 

Saint Valentine begins the battle in a way that reflects his personality. Referencing a quote from The Godfather, "I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse", Valentine asserts himself as a leader, patriarch, pimp, or mafia Godfather of his society. The reason for this is exactly what he was made famous for: solicitation of his authority to marry individuals.

 

Emporer Claudius II had issued an edict that prohibited young couples from getting married. Saint Valenine evaded the law to persue his faith in the sacred bond of marriage. He would 'illegally' marry couples in the church. This makes him somewhat of an underground lord of a "love" syndicate, and he tries to offer his business to Saint Nicholas. However, the business in this case is not marrying him to someone, but it is defeating him in a rap battle. (source)

 

Valentine also pokes at how Saint Nicholas' tomb was guarded by Varangian Guards of the Byzantine Empire (whom he is the patron saint of).  (source)

His holy relics are located beneath his basilica in Bari, Italy. (source)

 

Valentine shows his honorability in that he was persecuted and killed for his faith, while Nicholas was not.

The term "go hard", according to the Urban Dictionary, is defined as "doing something to it's fullest; doing something well". It is a common slang term.

 

The double meaning in the way the phrase is said is that "to go" also means to die or be killed. So, Valentine says that he "goes hard" or 'is killed in a terrible way'. Not only was his death metaphorically hard, but also phisacally, as part of his execution involved stoning. 

Your charity hookers must got Wonders Working for you.
'Cause who's revered for slipping fungal infections in children's shoes?

 

Saint Valentine mocks Saint Nicholas' acts in three ways:

 

The first involves what Wikipedia defines as "his most famous exploit":

 

"a poor man had three daughters but could not afford a proper dowry for them. This meant that they would remain unmarried and probably, in absence of any other possible employment, would have to become prostitutes. Even if they did not, unmarried maidens in those days would have been assumed as being a prostitute. Hearing of the girls' plight, Nicholas decided to help them, but being too modest to help the family in public (or to save them the humiliation of accepting charity), he went to the house under the cover of night and threw three purses (one for each daughter) filled with gold coins through the window opening into the house." {source)

 

He refers to these women as "Charity Hookers", assuming that Nicholas only sought to help them for his own sexual benefit.

 

The segue into the next line comes in the form of a proposed situation. Valentine links each reference in this line into one sentence.

 

The second reference is how Saint Nicholas is widely known as 'The Wonderworker'. 

 

The third comes from the annual tradition of rewarding children with gifts in their shoes on his feast day. As he mostly gave gifts in secrecy, Nicholas practiced placing coins in the shoes of children. Valentine pokes at the oddity of this act by claiming that Nicholas' true intention is to give children fungal infections of the foot, such as Athlete's Foot, by providing them with interactable substances that would have by then made contact with an unsanitary medium such as a shoe.

 

The way all 3 references are linked is that:  Valentine questions Nicholas' venerability by saying his charity hookers must have 'wonders working for [him]' or must have pulled some strings to ensure his sainthood. He supports his claim to an undeserved sainthood by rhetorically asking why anyone would be canonized for something as unimportant as creepily providing children with unsanitary gifts.

 

 

I'm an inconspicuous officiant, the 'get hitched' business solicitor!
And while you are granting kids visceral wishes your chimney sees no visitors!

 

Valentine reiterates who he is, providing a foundation for his claim that he is better than Nicholas.

The comparison occurs indirectly by stating that, while Nicholas is simply feeding the materialistic appetites of children, he receives no love and affection.

 

The diss on his love life references how his iteration of Santa Claus commonly climbs down chimneys to give children gifts. Chimney, in this sense, is referencing Nicholas' penis.

If this so called saint defies the way that I've been sanctifed
then I will make you love me, if it means that I must patronize!

 

This line is Valentine's dying wish to the world.

 

Over time, his legacy has been whittled down to what the world knows as Cupid.

There are at least 3 possibilities of the true man whom Saint Valentine refers to, and as a result,

Valentine's name was removed from the Roman Calendar. He states in this line what exactly he will do to not only secure his legacy, but to prevail over Nicholas.

 

If Saint Nicholas doubts the legitimacy of Valentine's sainthood, Valentine will force himself upon the world by becoming the patron saint of love.

 

He will make the world know of his deeds, he will be loved, and the way he will do so is by patronizing love itself.

 

Secondarily, 'patronize' is defined by Merriam-Webster as: to talk to (someone) in a way that shows that you believe you are more intelligent or better than other people.

 

Valentine threatens to patronize Nicholas in order for him to accept his defeat.

 

Thirdly, and possibly most evidently, this line is a reference to Bonnie Raitt's famous song "I Can't Make You Love Me", which contains these lyrics:

Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

 

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power

 

Saint Nicholas:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The eternal third wheel's about to meet his law maker
Behave, or you can consider this Bishop a Pawn-breaker

 

Nicholas immediately mocks Valentine's role as a marriage officiant by calling him the 'eternal third wheel'.

Forever, Valentine will be known as the one who marries, not the one who gets married.

 

A 'third wheel' is a common term defining someone who is in the same company as two people who are engaged in a relationship. The third wheel is often felt to be left out as they are not part of the relationship that the other two people have.

 

Nicholas says Valentine is about to meet his law-maker, or God, because he is going to kill him.

Also, law-maker refers to Emporer Claudius, and Nicholas infers that he will stop Valentine's law breaking deeds by reporting him to the Emporer.

 

If Valentine does not behave according to the law, Nicholas will assert himself as a 'Pawn Breaker'.

 

Although both were bishops, Nicholas belittles Valentine's authority as a bishop to that of a 'pawn'. Both 'Bishop' and 'Pawn' are chess pieces, with Bishop having a far wider moving range than a Pawn.

 

The reference in this line is that Nicholas is the patron saint of Pawn Brokers, among others. Nicholas will "break this pawn" while he is also patronizing "pawn brokers".

A canonized betrayer to the emperor is my challenger?
I'll rock you the Flaminian Way and wipe you off the calendar!

 

As stated earlier, Valentine was revered for, killed for, and remembered for his acts that betrayed Emporer Claudius. Nicholas is baffled that, not only is this the reason for which Valentine was canonized, but that this is who 'they' put him up to rap against.

 

Referencing Valentine's martyrdom, Nicholas threatens to 'rock' Valentine.

 

To 'rock' in music terms is to go hard, excell, or make the crowd go wild, referencing rock music. He will rock Valentine because rocks are what was used to kill Valentine (stoning).

 

Nicholas plays on the burial ground of Saint Valentine: Via Flaminia, translated to Flaminian Way.

Nicholas changes the definition of the word "way" from 'referring to a street or path' to 'the means by which someone does something' Nicholas will rock him the Flaminian Way, or kill him and bury him.

 

Nicholas says that this deed of 'rocking' Saint Valentine will inadvertently wipe him off the calendar, just as Valentine actually was.

As Winter falls the children call the one and only Sinterklaas
you think I'm wrong? I'll clip your wings right off and twist your jingle balls!

 

Nicholas uses an intense rhyme scheme to declare which Saint is more relevant in the winter months (the premise of this battle).

 

When winter comes around, children only care for Saint Nicholas. If Valentine does not believe him, he will clip his theoretical wings (as seen in pictures and on Cupid) and twist his 'jingle balls', or testicles.

 

Wing clipping is the process in which a bird is rendered unable to fly by trimming his feathers.

Jingle balls is a clear reference to the popular Christmas song of the same name.

 

 

Me and my posse of apostles beat you once a week
 

Nicholas compares the veneration of each Saint in terms of importance and length.

 

According to Wikipedia, "In the Eastern Orthodox Church, Saint Nicholas' memory is celebrated on almost every Thursday of the year (together with the Apostles) with special hymns to him which are found in the liturgical book known as the Octoechos." (source)

 

In this regard, if memory celebration was a competition, Nicholas and the apostles with which he is honored can beat the singular Valentine once every week, as they are celebrated once a week on Thursdays. Valentine, while having only one day a year to his name (Valentine's Day, February 14), is therefore inferior.

 

But Once a year, we'll honor your execution as bittersweet

 

Nicholas promotes false sympathy by showing how stark the contrast between the two is.

 

He says that he and his friends will honor Valentine's death day in the same way it is honored in pop culture - through heartfelt gifts, tokens of love, and most importantly, candy.

 

The honorary tradition of sharing candy in rememberance of a man who was executed is refered to as "bittersweet" to represent the fake sadness of his death and the ultimate sweetness that the candy provides.

 

Cupid:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meet you In the Court of Love, you'll find I'm master chancellor

 

Of the History of Valentine's Day, Wikipedia states:

 

"The earliest description of February 14 as an annual celebration of love appears in the Charter of the Court of Love. The charter, allegedly issued by Charles VI of France at Mantes-la-Jolie in 1400, describes lavish festivities to be attended by several members of the royal court, including a feast, amorous song and poetry competitions, jousting and dancing."

 

Cupid declares he is the Chancellor of this Court of Love (the presiding judge over a court of chancery).

 

Tell your North Side Gang that its time for a massacre

 

The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre saw the murders of 5 members from Chicago's North Side Gang. 

Referencing this tragedy, Cupid tells Saint Nicholas, whom he is referring to as Santa Claus, that he will metaphorically murder him and his group of delinquents that make toys for him on the north side of the Earth's poles. Hence, "North Side Gang".

 

I'm the hardy heart of archery, so don't make me shoot!
There's only room for me or you and you don't quite fit the suit!

 

Cupid, showing his non-hostile nature, states that his skill is at the pinnacle of the art of archery. Because of this, he threatens Saint Nicholas with a common phrase said by those holding weaponry such as guns: "don't make me shoot!"

 

In regards to Saints celebrated in winter, Cupid declares there is only room for one. Taking a shot at the imagery of Santa Claus, he says that Saint Nicholas doesn't "fit the suit", or 'fit the role of the only saint who is relevant enough to be honored during winter'.

Yeah
I'm so fly
I'm the god of desire
keep making children live lies and I'll roast your nuts on the fire

 

Cupid displays his suave mannerisms with these simple lines that define

his authority. The inflexion of his voice is representative of someone who

is attempting to court another sexually.

 

Cupid blames Nicholas for the conceptualization of Santa Claus, and how

parents enforce his existence on their children. He threatens to roast his

nuts on the fire, referencing The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on

an Open Fire).

 

My kind of Love Conquers All, but your existence is the paradigm

that redefines mankind as one who'll never have a Valentine!

 

Cupid says that his arrow-shooting method is flawless in making someone fall in love with another. However, Saint Nicholas is so repuslive that Cupid's arrows are ineffective on anyone who he could try to make fall in love with him, redefining the arrow-shooting method along with mankind.

 

'Amor Vincit Amia', or 'Love Conquers All', is a famous painting by Caravaggio that depicts the Roman Cupid. In the video, the pose was recreated:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Santa Claus

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your little shriveled arrow can’t handle the snow 
'Cause I got this ho, that ho, all hoes

 

Santa comments on Cupid's penis by calling it a 'little shriveled arrow'. His 'arrow' is shriveled because it exposed to the harsh cold from Santa's North Pole.

 

Santa Claus rebuttals Cupid's claim that he is unloveable by showing how many "Ho's" he has. Ho is a homonym for 'hoe', another name for a slutty and flirtatious woman.

There is no comparing the Savior's rein-ing sleigh rider
to the gay Tooth Fairy who's dumping raps out of his diaper

 

Santa uses the comparison method to mock Cupid's ridiculous appearance and attire. 

 

He calls himself the Savior's reigning sleigh rider, with 'rein' as a reference to 'reindeer'.

 

Cupid's raps are so bad, that it seems he is just dumping his loaded diaper on the audio track. This helps make fun of his cloth toga and/or diaper that he is commonly associated with.

Cupid, stop shooting stupid humans, if you didn't exist
there'd be way less kids fooling around on my naughty list

 

Every rap battle has something in common between its contestants, or else there's no sense to the matchup. In this case, it is to see which Saint is more prevalant in the winter months. However, there is one other link that I found between Santa and Cupid. Cupid, in a sense, makes people do naughty things with his love arrows. Santa is notrious for having a naughty and nice list in which the nice get presents and the naughty get coal. Santa says to stop the monstrosity of shooting people and provoking affection between them so that not so many kids will be on the naughty list (because kids shouldn't be exposed to those things).

 

It's more of an acknowledgment of a common thread rather than a diss.

 

It's the jolly bowl of jelly 'gainst a Classical fatty
so Take a seat on my lap, and let me show you who's your daddy

 

 

Santa promotes his large size as loveable and iconic, rather than how Cupid is seen as a fat baby from the Classical era.

 

Santa concludes by telling Cupid to take a seat on his lap, common in shopping malls.

 

By doing this, Cupid will acknowledge his defeat and Santa will show him who his daddy is.

By being on his lap, Cupid will also be sexually shown who his daddy is because he got lyrically 'sexually assaulted'

 

According to the Urban Dictonary, Who's Your Daddy is "Used as an insult to demonstrate authority, hence the "daddy" part. Most likely performed by the giving end after the recieving end is pwned/owned."

 

Not only this, but Santa Claus is known as Father Christmas.

 

Urban Dictionary | Merriam-Webster